The Good, The Bad, and the Vomitous

I promised that I would write about my insane regimen of herbs and vitamins, so here it is. Again, many of these things will be discontinued once my body gets to more optimal health. Right now, though, when I'm as healthy and spry as your average 86 year old, I've got a lot to do to get there.

I can tell already that following this holistic program is going to help me lose weight. How? Because I love to eat. I enjoy meal time. However, this new program makes me absolutely DREAD meals, except for maybe lunch! It is simply because I have to swallow so many pills with my meals that I can't stand the thought of sitting down to eat. Too, I get so full of pills that I don't have very much room for food left over. So, maybe I will shed a few pounds. Here is what I take:

Breakfast - 1 Magnesium supplement, 3 "Grass Pills" (unadulterated barley plants! Yum!), 1 ProstAvan for prostate health, 1 AlkaPan (more about this pill later!) and one packet of Vitamins (Men's Total Health, made up of 9 pills in the packet). Plus, one dropperfull of Motherwort (for my heart) that tastes like a straight shot of weapons-grade Jack Daniels, and 15 drops of Prostate Help, which tastes like straight vinegar. Total breakfast intake: 15 pills, 2 squirts.

Before work - 1 Dynalite Pill (for thyroid).

Lunch - Ahhhhh, sweet lunch. I only take 3 Grass Pills, 1 AlkaPan, and 1 Magnesium Supplement. Only 5 pills total at lunch lets me actually enjoy the mid-day meal a little.

Supper - 2 Grass Pills, 1 AlkaPan, 1 Magnesium Supplement, and one Packet of Vitamins (Men's Total Health PM, which is 9 more pills, sigh...) 1 Dropper of Motherwort, and 15 drops of Prostate Health. For those who are counting, that's 13 more pills and 2 more squirts.

Before Bed - 1 Dropper Motherwort, 15 drops of Prostate Help, and rub Melaleuca Oil (This stuff must come direct from the Garden of Eden) into my feet.

I can put up with the few dropperfuls of stuff, but I have always been one to avoid taking pills as much as humanly possible, and now I am taking 34 a DAY! People say, "Heath, they are not pills, they are vitamins and herbs, not pills!" Yeah? Well, it sure looks like a pill, tastes like a pill, and goes down like a pill, what's the difference?

Speaking of the pills, a word of advice: Don't read the pill ingredients unless you are willing to suffer the consequences. One of my pills, AlkaPan (3 a day), is made up mostly of pancreas (UGH!). It sounds to me like cannibalism, I'm eating someone or something's PANCREAS! And, if the thought of ingesting pancreas doesn't make your mouth water, how about this next ingredient, and I'm not kidding - Ox Bile. OX BILE! I'm swallowing VOMIT FROM AN OX, dried and in pill form!! Someone please go ahead and kill me now! This begs the next disturbing question - Who in the heck discovered that OX VOMIT had healthy properties? I keep imagining Paul Bunyon walking along with his ox Babe, and Babe is looking more green than blue. Suddenly Babe vomits a lake-sized puddle. Paul Bunyon looks at it and says, "You know, I bet that's mighty good for me!" And what is it about ox puke that makes it any different from other animals, like say, rabbit puke? How many animals did scientists have to make throw up before they found just the right ingredient, and it only came from an ox?

I apologize for sounding so negative thus far, but I absolutely HATE all of the pills. To be fair, though, here comes the good part. I have felt more energy. I don't have trouble sleeping, but now I sleep more restful. I don't have to get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom. My sinuses have been better the last few days. I have a follow-up session in about 10 days, so I'll know more then about where my PH level is.

The bottom line is, I am encouraged by some of the early results of starting holistic therapy, and if I can continue to get better I am excited to see the results. Now If I can just fight the depression of knowing that pills will be a pretty-much permanent part of most of my meals from here on out.