Holistic Therapy (or): "Give Me A Hit Of That Grass!"

One week ago I attended my first session with a holistic therapist. For those unfamiliar with the term, they are therapists who eschew regular medicine and doctors and treat maladies with herbs and minerals. My wife works with people who have gone and raved about how much better they felt, how much healthier they were, how much weight they were able to lose, etc. So, rather reluctantly, my wife and I made an appointment and went. I am going to chronicle a lot of this on my blog, and I am going to be honest with you in terms of what I perceive, good and bad. These opinions are mine and mine alone. I do not claim to be an expert or giving medical advice, not that anyone would want to hear my advice anyway!

First of all, let me make one point clear: The only reason I'm giving this a try is to get healthier in an overall way. I am not giving up medical doctors. If I think I have a serious condition, I am going to a medical doctor. The holistic therapy is simply for getting my body healthier so I won't have to see my medical doctor very often. It's more of a supplemental health program.

As I said, I was rather reluctant to go at first. I had heard of several people getting over very serious diseases, including bone cancer, using natural medicines instead of synthetic medicines, but I have never been a huge follower of the au naturale, new age type movement. I do not keep up with what herbs and minerals and so forth are good for. I had heard of Saint John's Wart, but I'll be darned if I could figure out what was so special about this man's skin lesion that they would name something after it. (Yes, I know now that it is "wort", not "wart") I expected the therapist to be a flower power child of the sixties named Sunstar or something like that. Instead, she was a very friendly, middle-aged, somewhat clinical, ordinary person. She did exude a touch of hippyism, but at least she didn't wear a tye-dye lab coat. It was regular white. Her assistant was also quite friendly.

My blood pressure was a bit high, so I'm concerned about that. After giving a urine sample (fortunately I had to pee, otherwise we'd have been there all night!), my PH level was 5.8, which judging by the doomsday look on their faces was not good. Normal is supposed to be somewhere around 7.6. Oddly enough, my wife's level was the same as mine, 5.8. Below 5.0 is dead, so what I gathered is that I've got .8 of a foot in the grave.

She had me jump up on a massage table and started pressing pressure points on me to see if any of them hurt. Some didn't, but a few did. These obviously pointed out trouble spots. Now, I'll have to admit, this part was pretty cool: If a spot was sore, she would lay a packet or bottle of herbs on my stomach and the soreness would immediately disappear or be greatly reduced. I later found out that these were the packets of vitamins and herbs she was going to prescribe me. To sum up the exam, she found deficiencies with my thyroid, heart, pancreas, and prostate. She then gave my some bottles; some with pills in them, some liquid with droppers in them. She also discovered I had a rib out of line and popped that back in, and that my right leg was 1/2" longer than my left leg (which was somewhat puzzling, since both feet touch the floor!). I didn't know if there was anything she could do about that except put me in a medieval torture device or something, and she didn't say anything was odd about it, so I let it go. Come to find out, my wife was just the opposite, she was longer in her left leg. I guess opposites really do attract.

Now for the part I didn't like: The bill. The initial session was about the same as many physician's office visit fee, but subsequent follow-ups are much cheaper, so I am pleased with the cost of the sessions. However, when someone says, "Think of the costs of the vitamins, herbs, and minerals as an investment for your health...", what they really mean is "I installed sound-padding on the walls to reduce the decibels of your scream when I tell you how much you are fixing to have to shell out". The sessions are really reasonable, but its the supplements and sprays and vitamins and herbs that cost! and Cost! and COST! In my next post, I will detail the insane regimen of what I now take, but fortunately I was told that this is only temporary until my body detoxes itself, which should take a couple of months. Wow. I never figured that I would ever go to detox. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, but here I am in friggin' french fry rehab.

My wife and I are going to give this a serious go, though. After my session, I went out and bought a case of water instead of soda, and I haven't had a soda in over a week now. I also picked up some organic grape juice. I really want to try to make this work. I started taking my herbs and vitamins the next day. One of the pills I take (8 a day!) is green and tastes just like grass that you would pick out of the dirt. I looked at the ingredients and it said "100% pure, unadulterated, dried BARLEY PLANTS!" MMM-MMMM! Nothing like the taste of sod first thing in the morning! I call them my grass pills now. I soon found out, though, that there was something even more disturbing in one of my pills. Find out in my next post...