World's Most Obese Squid Caught

The world's most obese squid was captured in the waters of the Antarctic Ocean. Read about it here. Before it was frozen and prepared for permanent display in the Museum of New Zealand in Wellington, we asked for an interview from the now world famous squid. In a Belly Up To The Bar world exclusive, the squid agreed to a sit-down over sushi and saltwater cocktails.

H.B. (Me): Thanks for agreeing to the interview! My name is Heath Bar, and you are...

Squid: Alphonse G. Squidward, the G. stands for Gifriggingantic.

H.B.: Just how big a boy are you?

Squid: These guys on the boat said that I weigh half a ton. That's a little misleading, though. I'm waterlogged, there's a lot of extra water weight in this gelatinous goo. I'm hoping by the time I dry out that I'll be closer to 900 pounds. We'll see.

H.B.: How did you manage to get that large?

Squid: Well, my parents blame it on genetics, after all they say "Colossal squid are just naturally enormous creatures", and that I'm "big boned". I think that's just an excuse, though, mainly because I'm an invertebrate! The truth is, though, I have liked to eat ever since I was a squidlet. It started out with whole schools of minnows, then in my teens it was sometimes 10, maybe 12 whitefish at a time, with a side order of three dozen shrimp. Now, the larger the fish the better. If you noticed, when I was caught, I was right in the middle of eating a five foot long toothfish. I wasn't being hauled in, though, until I had polished that baby off! Man, I'm starving now just thinking about that fish. Have you got any cod on you or anything?

H.B.: Uh...no...sorry, I usually don't have any just laying around...

Squid: Oh, well, them's the breaks.

H.B.: So, do you blame your parents for being the size you are?

Squid: They definitely had a tentacle in giving me too much early on, but as time went on, all I wanted to do was eat the ocean! I mean, I'm twice their size, they are simply "Giant squid", I'm a "Collassal Squid".

H.B.: What's one of the biggest advantages to your size?

Squid: I'm too tough for calamari.

H.B.: Finally, how has your life changed now that you're famous?

Squid: It's been amazing. They say I'll be the star of my own documentary. My cousin, "Squidward" on Spongebob Squarepants, has been the only actor in the family to make it big in Hollywood, so I'm definitely happy to be noticed!

H.B.: Well, its been real!

Squid: Everybody see my movie when it comes out, and see my remains at the museum in New Zealand! Uh...did I just say "remains"? REMAINS? WAIT JUST A DARN MINUTE...